The Amazing Race Brawl Edition UNFINISHED
by TheBowserBomb
Summary: 18 teams compete in a race around the Smash world...or they would, if I bothered to finish the story. More details inside.
1. Intro

**Author's Note:** So, uh, yeah. I wrote this like 4 years ago and just found it on my computer. I figured I'd share it with whoever wants to laugh at my 12 year old self attempting to be funny. It leaves off partway through the first leg.

* * *

The Amazing Race: Brawl Edition

"Welcome to Smash Mansion, home of the smashers, and the starting point for The Amazing Race: Brawl Edition! I'm your host, to be referred to as the host," said the host. "From here, a whopping **eighteen** teams will start a race around the Nintendo world for one million dollars! The teams are..."

"Sonic and Fox, telemarketers for Sonic&Fox Inc.!"

 _Sonic and Fox_

 _Telemarketers_

Fox was talking into a phone. "Hello, this is Fox with Sonic&Fox Inc. We-"

The person on the other end of the phone interrupted. "Real creative name, haha! Who's your business partner? Let me guess, _Sonic_?"

Fox gasped. "Gasp! You're right! Are you a mind reader? What am I thinking about now?"

The person chuckled. "Whether I'm a mind reader."

Fox died of fright.

"Hello? Aren't you supposed to ask me to buy something? Hello?"

Sonic picked up the phone. "Hello, I'm Fox, NOT SONIC. Definitely not Sonic. I am the same person you talked to before. DEFINITELY."

The person laughed. "Hi, Sonic."

Sonic died of fright.

"Hello?"

"Nana and Pikachu, slave traders!"

 _Nana and Pikachu_

 _Slave Traders_

"I'm Nana!" said Nana sweetly.

"And I'm Pikachu, and we want to enslave you! BWHAHA!" said Pikachu, laughing maniacally.

"You fool, you weren't supposed to tell them that until later."

"BWAHAHAHAAH!" said Pikachu, walking around with his eyes spinning in circles.

"Pikachu?" Nana said in a warning tone.

Pikachu instantly snapped back to normal. "Yes?" he said, worried.

"Would you like to be my SLAVE?"

Pikachu dropped to the ground weeping. "Please, I'll do anything! Anything!"

"Wipe the audience's minds!" Nana commanded.

Pikachu put a blanket over the camera.

"Minds wiped!" said Pikachu triumphantly.

"You idiot!" said Nana, leaping onto Pikachu.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY

"Olimar and Falco, secret deities!"

 _Olimar and Falco_

 _Secret Deities_

"I'm Olimarus," said Olimarus.

"And I'm Falco-us...That's a stupid deity name! Why can't I have something cool like 'Falco the Awesome' or-"

"Shh, you're not supposed to reveal that we're deities!" shouted Olimarus. "Oops..."

"Look, deities!" shouted the host.

The other teams pounced on Olimarus and Falco-us.

"Deity powers, ACTIVATE!" shouted Olimarus. The crowd flew into the sky. "See, mess with us, and that's what you get."

The host took their powers away.

"At least my name isn't Falco-us anymore!" said Falco brightly.

"NOOOO, I liked the name Olimarus!" said Olimar.

Olimar mourned for years about the death of his deity name.

"Marth and Ganondorf, father and son!"

 _Marth and Ganondorf_

 _Father and Son_

"I Marth!" shouted Marth happily.

"And I'm his son, Ganondorf! Wait, how the heck am I his son? I'm millenia old, and he's like 16!" Ganondorf pondered.

"Me Gannie dada! We friends!" shouted Marth happily.

"Yeah, that's...Wait, what? You were a scholar yesterday!"

"Me has spit person-alley-tees!" said Marth slowly.

"Oh...But you never explained about the father and son thing!"

"Magic!" weeped Marth.

"Why are you weeping?" asked Ganondorf, semi-concerned.

"Because my project failed! Millions of dollars of research, wasted!"

"Ok then..." Ganondorf said uncertainly.

"Peach and Lucario, possibly married!"

 _Peach and Lucario_

 _Possibly Married_

"I am Lucario, and this is Peach, a random person I picked up off the street, and we are NOT married." said Lucario forcefully.

"Silly man, you know we've been marr-"

"We've been...marred! Yes, marred!"

"No, marri-"

"We've been...planting marigolds!"

"Married!" giggled Peach.

"To other people?" asked Lucario.

"No, to each-"

"She was saying, to each their own spouse!"

"Each other!"

"YOU LIAR!"

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY

"Zelda and Donkey Kong, shuffleboard rivals!"

 _Donkey Kong and Zelda_

 _Shuffleboard Rivals_

Zelda and Donkey Kong were playing shuffleboard. "Hi, I'm Donkey Kong!"

"And I'm Zelda!"

"And I hate your guts!" said Donkey Kong.

"I feel the same!" said Zelda.

Zelda won the game.

"NOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD I HAVE LOST!"

"Your aim is worse when you talk, silly monkey!"

"Monkey...I'M AN APE! APE! APE! APE!" Donkey Kong brutally murdered Zelda. "Um...I didn't do it! It was...the author! Yeah!"

No breaking the fourth wall! And how could I have done it? I'm a disembodied voice!

"Yeah, but you control the story!"

NO. BREAKING. THE. FOURTH. WALL.

"OK."

Zelda came back to life.

"APE! APE! APE! APE!" Zelda died again. "Not me!"

"Diddy Kong and Samus, ballet dancers!"

 _Diddy Kong and Samus_

 _Ballet Dancers_

"And I just wanted to say, Diddy, I love you," Samus said lovingly.

Diddy Kong was gone.

"Where is that handsome monkey?" screamed Samus.

"APE! APE! APE!" Donkey Kong screamed, ripping off Samus' face.

"Not me!" said Donkey Kong, putting Samus' face over his own.

Diddy Kong came back. "Hi, Samus! What were you going to say to me?"

"Um...I hate your guts?"

"Nooooo! I love you, but you have rejected me!" Diddy Kong wept until he died of dehydration.

Donkey Kong looked around. "Not me!"

"Yoshi and Kirby, Daycare Managers!"

 _Yoshi and Kirby_

 _Daycare Managers_

"I'm Yoshi!" sang Yoshi terribly in a girl voice.

"I'm Kirby!" sang Kirby horribly in a girl voice.

"We manage a daycare together!" they sang together.

"STOP! STOP!" shouted the host. "Do you THINK this is good for ratings?"

"Um...Yes?" said Kirby.

"NO! You two singing badly in high voices stinks! In fact, we're probably losing viewers as I speak!"

"Well, we have two other routines ready..." Yoshi said hesitantly.

"Do the better one."

Rock music came on.

"Here comes Yoshi!" sang Yoshi.

"Here comes Kirby!" sang Kirby.

"If we had the choice, we would rule the world!"

"This isn't bad..." said the host.

"We run a daycare, but we don't ca-are! We will conquer the world any day!"

"Tyrant kings!" sang Kirby.

"Crowns and things!" sang Yoshi.

"We will rule the world!"

"The world will quake!" sang Yoshi.

"And bring us milkshakes!" sang Kirby.

"We will rule the world!"

The host applauded. "Nice! However, do you really want to rule the world?"

"...Maybe?" said Kirby hesitantly at the same time that Yoshi said, "No!".

"Nobe? Is Nobe your partner?"

"Gasp! We've been found out! Escape while you can, Kirby!"

Kirby waddled away at a speed of two inches a day.

"Ike and King Dedede, strongmen!"

 _Ike and King Dedede_

 _Strongmen_

"I'm Ikey-wikey!" said "Ikey-wikey".

"And I'm...What? Ikey-wikey? I never knew your name was Ikey-wikey! In fact, I never knew your name at all! Hahaha!" said King Dedede.

"And this guy is Prince Dede," said "Ikey-wikey", chuckling.

"How did ya know that? I haven't been called that in 20 years! Did you read a history book, Ikey-wikey?" said "Prince Dede".

"No, I read your 22 year old name tag from Wal-mart™!"

"I NEVA WORKED AT WALL-MARTIN, FOOL BOY!" said "Prince Dede", slightly insane.

"Ikey-wikey" backed away slowly.

"Popo and Wolf, evil geniuses!"

 _Popo and Wolf_

 _Evil Geniuses_

"I'm Agent Popo, the great genius!" said Popo.

"I'm Agent Wolf, the greater genius!" said Wolf.

"I'm Agent Popo, the greatest genius!" said Popo.

"I'm greater!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"You call this evil?" laughed the host.

They pulled out 7 foot long scimitars and waved them around.

They impaled each other.

"You call this genius?" laughed the host.

They were dead.

"Oh," said the host.

"Mr. Game and Watch and Pokemon Trainer, ?"

 _Mr. Game and Watch and Pokemon Trainer_

 _?_

"G&W, G&W! I just realized! We never wrote a team description on the form! What could we do?"

"Just choose something," said Mr. Game and Watch, angry.

"Ok, we'll be the People with Long Names!" said Pokemon Trainer, doing a victory pose.

Mr. Game and Watch cried.

"Let's try this again," said the host.

 _Mr. Game and Watch and Pokemon Trainer_

 _People with Long Names_

"I'm Pokemon Trainer, but just call me PT!" said Pokemon Trainer, jumping up and down.

"Do I really have to do this?" mumbled Mr. Game and Watch.

"YES YOU DO" shouted Pokemon Trainer.

"Fine...I'm Mr. Game and Watch, but just call me G&W," said Mr. Game and Watch in a fake happy voice.

"THERES NO EXCLAMATION POINT" screamed Pokemon Trainer.

Pokemon Trainer, please refer to Donkey Kong's interview.

Pokemon Trainer went away to Donkey Kong's interview.

"Phew, he's gone!" said Mr. Game and Watch, relieved.

"I'm back!" said Pokemon Trainer joyfully.

Mr. Game and Watch cried.

"Meta Knight and Lucas, crybabies-wait, crybabies? Who would put _crybabies_ as their team description?"

 _Meta Knight and Lucas_

 _Crybabies_

"We would!" cried Lucas, responding to the host's question.

"Wah!" cried Meta Knight.

"Wah!" cried Lucas.

 _Producer's Room_

"Boring! Make sure they're eliminated first!"

 _Meta Knight and Lucas_

 _Currently drowning in their own tears_

"Wah-GLUB-wah!"

"Moving on...Wario and Captain Falcon, asylum escapees!"

 _Wario and Captain Falcon_

 _Asylum Escapees_

"I'm...FALCON PUNCH!" said Captain Falcon, his eyes rolling around in his head.

"And I'm Super Wario, KING OF GARLIC!" said Wario, holding up garlic.

"And we like to...FALCON PUNCH!"

"He just has a condition where he says 'FALCON PUNCH' every few seconds," said Wario.

"HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY...FALCON PUNCH!" screamed Captain Falcon, Falcon Punching Wario to the moon.

"HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY...FALCON PUNCH!" screamed Captain Falcon, Falcon Punching the author to the moon.

Hey, no breaking the fourth wall!

"I'll break the...FALCON PUNCH!"

Wario fell down from the sky. "Don't worry, that's normal. But I'm SUPA DUPA WARIO, RULER AND OVERLORD OF ALL GARLIC PRODUCTS! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"And I was starting to think he was normal..." said the host.

"NORMAL! WE DIDN'T GET...FALCON PUNCH! THROWN INTO THE INSANE...FALCON PUNCH! ASYLUM FOR NO REASON...FALCON PUNCH!"

The host slowly backed away.

"Pit and Jigglypuff, engaged!"

 _Pit and Jigglypuff_

 _Engaged_

Pit and Jigglypuff were kissing.

The host shouted, "THE SCENE HAS BEGUN! GET INTO POSITION!"

Pit and Jigglypuff continued kissing.

"INTO POSITION!"

Pit and Jigglypuff were-you guessed it-kissing.

"IS THIS YOUR INTERVIEW!?"

They nodded while kissing.

"Ok, but FOX IS SELLING YOUR ENGAGEMENT RINGS!"

They broke apart and started searching. "Oh, my engagement ring! Where could it be?" cried Jigglypuff sadly.

She noticed it was on her finger. "Fox returned it! How nice of him!"

Pit fell into a pit. "I bet you're in here, Fox! You'll pay!" He killed the pit.

"Pit? Where are you? We can't race if you don't come here!" cried Jigglypuff.

Pit was dead, because he was one with the pit.

"Pit?"

"Luigi and Ness, cowards!"

 _Luigi and Ness_

 _Cowards_

"EEEK!" Luigi screamed when the camera turned on. "No, kings are not scared! Not scared! Not-AH!"

A insect jumped out of a bush.

"Luigi, you're not a king!" said Ness, mildly frightened.

"Yes I am," said Luigi. "It's to get over my cowardly nature and become a brave lion!"

The host chuckled, "You're lion! Get it, lion! Like lying..."

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" shouted all the teams.

Luigi and Ness died of fright.

"Mario and Link, heroes!"

 _Mario and Link_

 _Heroes_

Mario and Link weren't there.

"I hate these teams..." muttered the host angrily.

"We're back!" exclaimed Mario and Link, jumping in heroically.

The host was crushed under their heroic jumps. "Lugsd mihdf ouhsdt!" he said, his face pushed into the ground.

"He said 'Luigi must be ousted!'! Oust Luigi!" They heroically ousted Luigi.

"I said 'Let me out!'" said the host angrily.

"Oh..." They heroically restored Luigi to the throne.

"But it would be nice if Luigi were ousted..." said the host.

They heroically ousted Luigi.

Luigi screamed in terror.

"Snake and Toon Link, eighty-fouth cousins!"

 _Snake and Toon Link_

 _Eighty-Fourth Cousins_

"Hi Snake!" cheered Toon Link.

"Who is this Snake? Is he a spy?!" shouted Snake.

"Um, you're Snak-" Toon Link was stabbed by a giant sword.

Snake screamed, "I KNEW THAT! I WAS ATTEMPTING YOUR HUMAN HUMOR! I mean, I'm a human!"

"AAAAH! My cousin is an alien!" Toon Link yelled, running around in circles.

"No, I'm just an animal. Eighty-fourth cousins means our common ancestor was a monkey!" Snake said.

"AAAAH! My cousin is a monkey!" Toon Link yelled, running around in circles.

"Here's your two billionth cousin!" said Snake, holding up an amoeba.

"AAAAH! My cousin is an amoeba!" Toon Link yelled, running around in circles.

Snake whispered to the camera, "Silly boy, he'll never realize it's actually his **uncle**!"

"And R.O.B. and Bowser, popular weirdos!"

 _R.O.B. and Bowser_

 _Popular Weirdos_

"R.O.B. reporting for duty. Beep beep," R.O.B. said robotically.

"This is why we're weirdos," Bowser whispered.

"Here, take some free cars!" said R.O.B.

"And this is why we're popular," said Bowser a bit too loud.

"HOW DARE YA SPEAK, MATEY! THIS AIN'T A DEMOCRACY!" said R.O.B. in a pirate accent.

"Weirdos," said Bowser.

R.O.B. won an epic fight.

"Popular," said Bowser a bit too loud.

"NO SPEAKING IN CLASS!" shouted R.O.B.

The host said, "You know, Bowser, you're not that weird...Never mind." Bowser was eating a plate.

"Which of these eighteen teams has the right combination of brains, brawn and teamwork to win one million dollars?" said the host.

 _Smash Mansion_

The teams cheered, except for Marth, who cried.

"When I give the signal, run over to your bags and read your first clue. What you do from then on is up to you. Hurry to each pit stop, as the last team there may be eliminated! The first team to the finish line wins one million dollars!"

All the teams cheered.

"Have fun...travel safe...GO!"


	2. Leg 1

The thirty-six brawlers dashed off to their bags.

 _Diddy Kong and Samus_

 _Currently in 1st place_

"We're in first! We're in first!" chanted Diddy Kong excitedly, taking the clue. "You must now-"

"I want to read it!" shouted Samus. "You must now-"

"YOU MUST NOW LET ME READ IT!" shouted Diddy Kong, very out-of-character. "You must now book one of three charter flights to Distant Plant-Distant Plant?"

The cameraman snatched the clue away and corrected the mistake.

"Teams must now book one of three charter flights to Distant Planet-Planet, not Plant-and search the Impact Site for their next clue! The three flights are at 10:00 A.M., 10:30 A.M., and 11:00 A.M.!"

"Come on, my love!" said Samus, getting into the driver's seat. "I mean, my lover of bananas! Because you LOVE bananas! RIGHT?"

"Yes?" said Diddy Kong, who had already been in the car.

"Good." Samus started driving.

 _Popo and Wolf_

 _Currently in 2nd place_

"Hehe...With our nasty plots, we will dominate the competion!" said Wolf plottingly. Even though plottingly isn't a word.

"Plot 1: START DRIVING!" shouted Popo angrily.

"OKEY DOKEY!" said Wolf in his Mario costume. The car remained stationary.

"YOU STUPID-"

The host appeared on the screen. "As the rest of the scene is too violent for anyone under the age of living, the time will be filled with scenes from Barney!"

Barney was shown for 20 seconds.

 _Ike and King Dedede_

 _Currently in 3rd place_

"My, my! Distant Planet, eh? I hope we'll have a jolly good time there!" said Ike in a fake British accent, driving the car.

"Ikey-wikey, I never knew you were from the United Kingdom, the Greatest Country on Earth!" said King Dedede.

"And we're totally not advertising. Really," Ike said, staring angrily at the camera.

The car crashed because Ike was staring at the camera.

"It could have been worse!" said King Dedede optimistically.

"How?" asked the cameraman, curious.

"We could have been eaten by sharks, or tortured to death, or-" King Dedede was interrupted.

"Look, a sign about the United Kingdom, the Greatest Country on Earth!" said Ike, pointing at it.

No advertising on the race!

"I'll advertise whenever I want!"

No you won't!

"Bring it on!"

Ike was blasted fifty miles down the highway against the flow of traffic.

"Okay, the United Kingdom sucks!" said Ike.

No anti-advertising either!

"When is this scene going to end?" said King Dedede impatiently.

Right about n-

 _Zelda and Donkey Kong_

 _Currently in 4th place_

Zelda and Donkey Kong were playing shuffleboard in their car, which was parked in the middle of the highway.

"This monkey is horrible at Shuffleboard!" exclaimed Zelda.

"APE! APE! APE! APE!"

Zelda died under mysterious circumstances.

"Not me?"

Mr. Game and Watch and Pokemon Trainer's car crashed into theirs.

 _Mr. Game and Watch and Pokemon Trainer_

 _Currently in 5th place_

"Who would park their car in the middle of the highway?!" shouted Pokemon Trainer, crawling out of the wreckage.

"APE! APE! APE!" screamed DK, pushing Zelda's copse into the ground.

"Come on! We can still make it!" encouraged Mr. Game and Watch as he heroically pushed the wreckage down the highway.

"APE! APE! APE!"

Mr. Game and Watch broke into tears.

 _Wario and Captain Falcom_

 _Currently at Walmart_

Captain Falcon was at checkout, buying Hulk hands. " FALCON PAWNCH!" he yelled, destroying the hands.

"Um, you still have to pay for those," said the employee hesitantly.

"FALCON PUNCH!" The employee's head exploded. "Now for the escape! Quick...FALCON PUNCH! Create a diversion!"

"AND THEN I SAID 'RULER AND OVERLORD OF ALL GARLIC PRODUCTS!'" screamed Wario incoherently as he stood atop a mountain of garlic.

Captain Falcon ran out the door, screaming.

"YOU CAN'T LEEEEAVE ME!" sobbed Wario as he ran out after Captain Falcon and into the team car.

"Wait up!" yelled the cameraman from the parking lot as he filmed them driving away into the sunset.

 _Luigi and Ness_

 _Currently in 6th place_

The camera turned on. "AUGH where is the noise coming from?!" squealed Luigi, trying to steer.

"Shh, shh, it's okay, King Luigi," comforted the cameraman in a soothing voice.

Luigi fell asleep.

"OH NO!" screamed Ness, jumping out of the out-of-control-car.

The car crashed into Mr. Game and Watch.

 _Mario and Link_

 _Currently in 7th place_

Mario heroically drove down the road. "It's an accident!" he shouted, heroically braking. "We will save you!"

Link was heroically organizing an airlift. "All of you, come with me," he said heroically, leading them into the forest. "The helicopters are coming to the first clearing!"

Everyone shuffled into line behind Link. "Move out!" They walked into the woods as Mario cleared the wreckage.

Captain Falcon ran over Mario.

"Come on, Mario!" heroed Link. "We're almost-AUGH!" He saw Mario's body. "Everyone, stay here! I'll be back!" Link said with heroism in his voice.

Mario stood up heroically. "Don't worry, Link!" he boomed, walking toward the forest heroically as triumphant music played.

 _Helicopter_

"They aren't showing up. Let's go."

 _Yoshi and Kirby_

 _Currently in 9th place_

Kirby was jumping up and down on the pedal while Yoshi steered. "Slow down, Kirby!" yelled Yoshi. "We're about to run into-"

Their car ran into a wall.

"How did this wall get here?" speculated the miraculously non-injured Yoshi.

"It is I!" yelled a large floating hand, wearing a ski mask. "Ever since I lost my job as Big Bad, I turned to a life of crime." Master Hand pulled out a gun. "DIEEEEE!"

Yoshi held up his hands. "Wait! I must have my last words. I just want to say that no matter how evil you are, there will always be a place for you in my heart!"

Master Hand shot them.e

 _Sonic and Fox_

 _Currently in 10th place_

"This is Fox of Sonic&Fox Inc., now announcing our move to television! After many years of subpar sales-"

"More like nonexistent sales," grumbled Sonic as he drove.

"-we feel that it is in our best interests to expand our market from people who actually listen to telemarketing-"

Fox pointed to an empty chair labeled "Exhibit 1".

"-to the worldwide television audience!"

Fox pointed at a globe covered in ants representing people.

"AUGH I'M ALLERGIC TO ANTS!" Fox melted.

"AUGH I'M ALLERGIC TO MELTING!" Sonic melted.

The car crashed into Master Hand.

 _Pit and Jigglypuff_

 _Currently in 11h place_

"...Are you guys ever going to stop kissing?!" demanded the cameraman.

They shook their heads.

"Wait, who's driving?" asked the cameraman as the car swerved.

They crashed into Master Hand.

 _Sonic and Fox_

 _Currently in 10th place_

"Hi there Master Hand!" waved Fox, holding a camera. He started whispering to it. "Today, worldwide audience, we meet a new class of buyer: murderers! While they're not the easiest beasts to tame, a little appealing to their better nature should do the trick." He walked to the large floating appendage. "Bonjour, Monsieur Hand! Would you like to buy-"

Master Hand shot him.

 _Producer's Room_

"Wow, this is most entertaining thing I've ever seen!" said the host drinking champagne.

"Don't you think it might be a little...you know...dangerous?" queried the producer.

"Nonsense! All the tasks and obstacles have been tested _almost_ to the proper levels of safety. We're legally invincible!" cheered the host, slightly drunk.

"I don't think 'Bandit Hand' is a producer designed obstacle!" said the producer impatiently.

The host was unconscious.

 _Zelda and Donkey Kong, Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch, Luigi and Ness, Mario and Link_

 _Currently tied for 5th place_

"Um...are you sure they're going to show up..." mumbled Ness.

"Of course!" boomed Mario heroically. "We used the most reliable, heroic airlifters this side of Termina!" He opened the phone book heroically and pointed to "Shoddy Cheapskate Airlifters".

"That doesn't look very reliable," quipped Donkey Kong.

"Oh, be quiet, you monkey," said Mario heroically.

"APE! APE! APE!"

Mario died under mysterious circumstances.

"Not me?"

Mr. Game and Watch cried.

 _Popo and Wolf_

 _Currently in 2nd place_

"Quick, Wolf!" plotted Popo cunningly. "I see another team. Pass them!"

"OKEY DOKEY" screamed Wolf, still wearing a Mario costume.

"So long, suckers!" yelled Popo through the open window as they passed Samus and Diddy Kong.

 _Samus and Diddy Kong_

 _Currently in 2nd Place_

"At least I still have you!" said Samus, watching the other team pass. "I mean, still have Mountain Dew!" She chugged a two liter bottle of Mountain Dew.

Diddy Kong looked on in confusion. "But Samus, you're allergic to Mountain Dew!"

Samus melted.

 _Wario and Captain Falcon_

 _Currently in 4th place_

Captain Falcon was rambling incoherently as he drove. "Teddy bear-rafters of the moon-impossible fortitude-FALCON PAWWNCH!-"

Let's move on, shall we?

 _Meta Knight and Lucas_

 _Currently in 12th place_

"Wah! Wah! Wah!"

 _Producer's Room_

"WHY AREN'T THEY ELIMINATED YET?!"

 _Olimar and Falco_

 _Currently in 13th place_

"I had love! Love, Falco! And you have stolen it!" Olimar was still mourning his deity name.

"Look at the bright side!" said Falco cheerfully. "We're going to the planet from your game! We'll surely win the leg!"

Olimar drowned in his own tears.

"Well, at least he wasn't driving!" said Falco from the backseat. "Oh wait..."

They crashed into the forest.

 _Nana and Pikachu_

 _Currently in 14th place_

"No, spare me!" wept the cameraman from the trunk. "I'm just a low-paid cameraman!"

Nana laughed maniacally as she activated the electric shockers.

"AUGH! AUGH! AUGH!"

"Are you sure this is legal?" asked Pikachu worriedly as he drove. "I thought you weren't allowed to torture your slaves in Smashville."

"Nonsense, Pikachu! Everyone knows that only sissies and sentient plants follow the law. Now drive for us, cameraman!"

The cameraman was dead.

 _Ike and King Dedede_

 _Currently in 3rd place_

"Y'know, Ikey-wikey," chuckled King Dedede, "Maybe we should visit The United Kingdom, the Greatest Country on Earth!"

Not again.

"Fine. But seriously, Ikey-wikey, you should pay attention to the road."

Ike was playing World of Warcraft on his laptop. "Quiet, I'm almost done defeating this boss!"

"Fine then, I'll drive!" King Dedede wrested the steering wheel off the dashboard.

The car fell off a cliff.

"So LoNg SuCkErS!" yelled Captain Falcon as he drove past the cliff.

 _Olimar and Falco_

 _Currently in 9th place_

"I never realized how cheerful this forest is!" said Falco, who had taken over the driver's seat. "The birds are chirping-" an owl ripped the roof of the car off "-the sun is shining-" the moon glared menacingly from above "and there isn't a sad soul in sight!"

Olimar had drowned in his own tears.

 _Zelda and Donkey Kong, Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch, Luigi and Ness, Mario and Link_

 _Currently tied for 5th place_

"We're lost!" despaired Mr. Game and Watch. "There isn't a helicopter! You're not heroes. You're zeroes!"

"Do not despair, my dimensionally-lacking friend," heroed Mario, "For I have ordered a new airlift from "Stupid Dumb Airlifters", helpfully advertised by Sonic&Fox Inc.!"

 _Sonic and Fox_

 _Currently in 10th place_

"Next up on The Sonic&Fox Show: teleporters!" Fox cheered, holding up a large dinner plate. "It may look like a dinner plate, but I assure you-"

"They're dinner plates," Sonic grumbled from off-camera.

"By the way, my business partner is a liar and should NEVER be trusted." Fox stared angrily at the camera.

Bandit Hand shot him.

 _Meta Knight and Lucas_

 _Currently in 13th place_

"WAH! WAH!"

 _Producer's Room_

The producer was holding a walkie talkie. "Quick, Bandit Hand, shoot them!"

Bandit Hand shot the walkie-talkie as Meta Knight and Lucas drove by.

 _Meta Knight and Lucas_

 _Currently in 10th place_

"WAH! WAH! WAH!"

 _Yoshi and Kirby_

 _Currently in 12th place_

Kirby had been waddling forward at the speed of two inches per day. "Come on, Yoshi, what are you doing?"

Yoshi was searching through the wreckage. "Just looking for my picture of the most _adorable_ kid at daycare- I mean the MANLIEST kid at daycare!" he said, finding the picture and drawing a beard and muscles on it.

Bandit Hand shot him.

 _Olimar and Falco_

 _Currently in 9th place_

"Dude, you've got to get over it sometime..." Falco said as he navigated through the trees. "You can change your name when we get home."

"Home? Like, eliminated?" Olimar asked, looking up from his magazine _Sadder Homes And Gardens._ "Woohoo!" Olimar jumped out the roof and started running backwards and out of the woods.

Bandit Hand shot him.

 _Zelda and Donkey Kong, Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch, Luigi and Ness, Mario and Link_

 _Currently tied for 5th place_

"Look up!" heroed Link. "The airlifters!"

The helicopter fell out of the sky.

"These guys really live up to their name!" quipped Donkey Kong.

"You silly monkey!" laughed Zelda as she was shredded by the helicopter blades.

"APE! APE! APE!"

Zelda was already dead.

"Oh," said Donkey Kong.

 _Popo and Wolf_

 _Currently in 1st place_

"I see the airport!" plotted Popo, pointing to a large banner that said "The airport is this way. Really."

"No way, it's this way," countered Wolf, pointing to a large building with planes flying overhead.

"This way!"

"This way!"

"THIS WAY!"

"THIIIIIIS WAY!"

The car was split in half by the divider between the two directions.

 _Samus and Diddy Kong_

 _Currently in 2nd place_

"This is the worst time to be stuck in traffic," moaned Diddy, wiping his brow.

"But at least we're together," said Samus lovingly.

"Wait, what?" asked Diddy, confused.

"I mean-"

Captain Falcon flew a rocket over the traffic jam.

"BBBBOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!"

"What was that Samus?" Diddy asked.

"I said, jolly good weather!" said Samus nervously.

The car was crushed by a giant piece of hail.

 _Ike and King Dedede_

 _Currently in 4th place_

King Dedede was driving the car up the cliff. "Now that I'm driving-" Ike glared at him "-we're getting places! I bet the other teams are YEARS behind us."

A helicopter with four teams in it flew over them towards the airport.

"Wait, Dedede!" Ike said. "We should go through this forest at the bottom of the cliff. It's a shortcut!"

King Dedede took his foot off the brake.

The car fell down the hill and exploded.

 _Snake and Toon Link_

 _Currently in 15th place_

"My cousin is a monkey...my cousin is a monkey...my cousin is a monkey..." Toon Link had assumed the fetal position.

"Cheer up, boy! At least _your_ father didn't have a large multicolored butt!" encouraged Snake, shuddering at the memory.

"Actually, he did." Toon Link pulled out a picture.

"AUGH IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN MY DAD!" Snake started to swerve across the road blindly.

"Get a hold of yourself, monkey!" Toon Link demanded.

Snake started hugging himself.

The car crashed into the forest.

 _R.O.B. and Bowser_

 _Currently in 16th place_

"Dude, why did it take so long to get into the car! We're probably last," grumbled R.O.B.

"Well, you're not the one with the large multicolored butt!" said Bowser, showing his large multicolored butt.

"AUGH MY OPTICAL SENSORS!" screamed R.O.B. as smoke came out of his head. "Shutting down. Shutting down. Shutting d-" R.O.B. shut down.

The car crashed into the forest.

 _Peach and Lucario_

 _Currently in 17th place_

Peach was driving down the highway. "Why won't you admit you're my hu-"

"Hug buddy, she means!" grinned Lucario, holding a hand over Peach's face.

"WRGERQBHEQB!" screamed Peach.

Lucario chuckled.

The car crashed into the forest.

 _Marth and Ganondorf_

 _Currently in last place_

"Ganondorf, I seriously doubt you have a driver's license," glared Marth.

"Look, it's right here!" said Ganondorf, holding up his driver's license.

Marth examined it closely. "It _could_ be a driver's license...but it could be FAKE!"

"I have the proof right here. Video evidence!" Ganondorf pulled out a TV showing teenage Ganondorf getting a driver's license.

Marth was eating the car cushions.

 _Zelda and Donkey Kong, Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch, Luigi and Ness, Mario and Link_

 _Currently tied for 4th place_

"Hey look, DK!" said Zelda, pointing out the window. "It's the Monkey Museum!"

DK looked. "APE! APE! AP-Oh wait, it is monkeys. Sorry Zelda!"

Zelda was already dead.

"A hero never lets anyone die!" hero-boomed Mario. "I know CPR!" Mario started heroically kissing Zelda.

DK stood there for 10 minutes. "Are you sure this works?"

Mario stopped for breath heroically. "Of course! I just need to try harder."

Zelda was already decomposing.

"AUGH maggots!" squealed Luigi, jumping through the roof into the helicopter blades.

Mr. Game and Watch cried.

 _Popo and Wolf_

 _Currently in 1st place_

Popo was grinning evilly. "I told you I was right!" he said as they drove towards the airport.

"Well, it's not my fault the Museum of Aviation looks just like an airport," grumbled Wolf.

"Shut up and park the car," demanded Popo, already jumping out the window.

The helicopter landed on him.

 _Zelda and Donkey Kong, Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch, Luigi and Ness, Mario and Link_

 _Currently tied for 1st place_

"So, Pokemon Trainer," said Zelda, getting off the helicopter, "What do you think about an alliance?"

"Sure!" giggled Pokemon Trainer. "Here, take our passports, and money, and embarrassing baby photos-"

Mr. Game and Watch cried.

"A hero never lets anyone be sad!" heroed Link, putting a comforting arm around Mr. Game and Watch heroically.

"Well, why didn't you say that back in the woods, or on the helicopter, or-"

"Heroes march to the beat of their own drummer," heroed Mario from inside the airport as he marched heroically.

"What he said," heroed Link.

"Say," interrupted Pokemon Trainer, "How would you like to join our alliance?"

"Didn't you hear Mario? Heroes march to the beat of their own drummer!" Link heroed as he walked into the airport.

 _Mario and Link_

 _Currently in 1st place_

"Two tickets for the 10:00 flight, please!" heroed Link.

 _Mario and Link_

 _1st on 10:00 AM flight_

"Guess we'll have to sleep here tonight," grumbled Mario heroically, sitting down at the gate.

 _Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch, Zelda and Donkey Kong_

 _Currently tied for 2nd place_

"Four tickets for the 10:00 flight," asked Zelda.

"Are you sure the monkey doesn't need two seats?" asked the attendant hesitantly.

"APE! APE! APE!"

The employee died under mysterious circumstances.

"Not me?"

 _Zelda and Donkey Kong_

 _2nd on 10:00 AM flight_

 _Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch_

 _3rd on 10:00 AM flight_

 _Luigi and Ness_

 _Currently in 4th place_

"Um...two tickets, please?" Ness asked, about to faint.

The employee was dead.

"Get out of the way!" yelled Popo from behind them.

"AUGHGHGHUGUH!" Luigi and Ness fainted.

"Give us two tickets, woman!" demanded Popo.

The employee was still dead.

"I'll just have to steal them then," muttered Popo, taking two tickets.

 _Popo and Wolf_

 _4th on 10:00 AM flight_

 _Wario and Captain Falcon_

 _Currently in 6th place_

"so I herd u like FALCON PAWNCH" screamed Captain Falcon, holding the car above him as he ran into the airport.

Luigi woke up. "AUGH CARMAN IS ATTACKING" He fainted again.

"Silly boy," muttered Captain Falcon. "He doesn't realize-FALCON PAWNCH-that I am here to FALCON PAWNCH him!"

He Falcon Punched Luigi into the ticket desk, causing two tickets to fall onto him.

 _Luigi and Ness_

 _5th on 10:00 A.M. flight_

"Ugh-what are these.." mumbled Luigi, picking up the tickets off his forehead. "I've found a golden ticket!" he exclaimed.

Captain Falcon trampled Luigi. "I would also like two- FALCON PAWNCH!"

The employee was now a bloody smear on the wall.

"FALCON PUNCH! FALCON PUNCH! FALCON PUNCH! TWO TICKETS!"

The bloody smear gave him two tickets.

 _Wario and Captain Falcon_

 _Last on 10:00 A.M. Flight_

 _Samus and Diddy Kong_

 _Currently in 7th place_

Samus and Diddy Kong were running into the airport. "I know we can make the first flight, sweetiepie!" Samus gushed.

"Sweetiepie?" Diddy Kong was confused.

"I mean, we can make sweet pies fly," said Samus desperately.

"Oh, okay," said Diddy Kong, still slightly confused. "Oh hi, bloody smear on the wall! We want four tickets."

"Four tickets?" asked Samus.

"You said sweet pies, so I got them tickets!"

 _Samus and Diddy Kong_

 _1st on 10:30 A.M. flight_

 _Sweet Pies_

 _2nd on 10:30 A.M. flight_

 _Ike and King Dedede_

 _Currently in 8th place_

"We're driiiiiiiiiiivin' through this forest!" sang King Dedede, playing the sousaphone.

"Dude, you're supposed to be driving!" said Ike angrily, illegally downloading movies on his laptop.

"I'm driiiiiiiiiiivin' thr-" Ike started strangling him.

"DRIIIIIIIIIIIIVIN'" he screeched hoarsely.

 _Your illegal download is done!_ Chimed the laptop.

Ike stopped strangling Dedede. "Woohoo! Now I can watch _Titanic: Director's Cut_!"

He started watching the movie.

Four hours later...

"That was so sad!" cried Ike, using twelve boxes of tissue, forty-seven handkerchiefs, and Dedede's sousaphone to dry his tears.

"Y'know what's sadder?" glared King Dedede. "You wasted four hours we could have used getting to the airport watching that movie!"

"Well why weren't you DRIIIIIIIIIIIIVIN through the forest?" retorted Ike as he drowned in tears.

"You killed my singing muscles!" screamed King Dedede, pointing to his shriveled throat. "I wonder what happened while we sat here though..."

 _Start flashback_

 _Meta Knight and Lucas_

 _Currently in 8th place_

Meta Knight and Lucas were standing at the ticket counter. "WAH! WAH! WAH!"

"I can't understand WAHWAHWAH's," said the newly placed employee impatiently. "Maybe you could tell me in Morse Code?"

"WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAH WAH WAH!"

"Ah, you want Ioxrcb? Here ya go!" The employee handed them a bottle labeled "Ioxrcb".

"WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH WAH WAH WAH!"

"I'd recognize that anywhere!" the employee grinned. "Here's your Eeettteee!"

Meta Knight beat him into a bloody pulp.

"Oh, 2 tickets, not Ioxcrb! Here you go!" The pulp handed them two tickets.

 _Meta Knight and Lucas_

 _3rd on 10:30 A.M. Flight_

 _Yoshi and Kirby, Sonic and Fox, Pit and Jigglypuff, Olimar and Falco_

 _Currently tied for 10th place_

"This is boring," grumbled Bandit Hand, holding them at gunpoint. "Eh, you're free to go."

"Really?" cheered Fox, holding up an electric blanket to the camera.

"LOLnope." Bandit Hand shot him.

Nana and Pikachu drove by.

 _Nana and Pikachu_

 _Currently in 10th place_

"I sure hope nobody knows our secret profession!" said Pikachu with a forced smile on his face.

The words "Nana and Pikachu: Slave Traders" flashed on the screen in front of them.

"The secret is out!" cried Nana. "Capture it!" She broke the camera.

 _Marth and Ganondorf_

 _Currently in 15th place_

"Marth, I swear I do have a driver's license!" shouted Ganondorf, exasperated.

"No you don't!" shouted Marth obstinately

"Yes I do!"

"NO YOU DON'T"

"YES I DO"

"NO Y- Look out!" Marth shouted.

"What-" Ganondorf ran over Bandit Hand.

 _Yoshi and Kirby, Sonic and Fox, Pit and Jigglypuff, Olimar and Falco_

 _Currently tied for 12th place_

"Wow, look at that car go!" cheered Fox. "But I bet you want an even BETTER car: the Cheapo Junk 4000! It goes so fast that it's won the prestigous Slime Derby 12 times!"

Sonic sighed. "That's a race for snails, Fox."

"Ignore him. Now next up is our high quality baboon costume!" He pulled out the very lifelike costume.

 _Snake and Toon Link_

 _Currently in 16th place_

"You know, even though you're a monkey, I think we have lots in common," said Toon Link.

"I agree! We both have a love of ice cream, twelve toes on our right foot, and dads with large rainbow butts!" cheered Snake.

"Good thing we'll never see that aga-AUGH LARGE RAINBOW BUTTS!" Toon Link crashed into the lifelike baboon costume.

 _Yoshi and Kirby_

 _Currently in 12th place_

"Good thing we got out of there first!" cheered Kirby, driving the crumpled car at 3 miles per hour.

"I just wish we could have saved the picture of the cutest-err, MANLIEST kid in daycare..." wept Yoshi

as he drew a beard and muscles on himself.

Kirby grinned. "I saved it for you!"

Kirby handed him a picture of a large rainbow butt.

"I hate youuuuuu!" screamed Yoshi, beating the dashboard.

The car sped up to 500 miles per hour.

"All's well that ends well," quipped Kirby.

 _Olimar and Falco_

 _Currently in 13th place_

"Kill me..." muttered Olimar, giving Falco a gun.

"I'd love to but I'm driving," said Falco as he drove completely normally down the highway.

 _Yoshi and Kirby_

 _Currently in 12th place_

"There's a team up ahead!" cried Kirby.

"I hope they're the MANLIEST kid in daycare..." wept Yoshi, overusing a joke.

The daycare managers zoomed past Marth and Ganondorf.

 _Marth and Ganondorf_

 _Currently in 12th place_

Marth hastily scratched out calculations. "To go that fast, that car must have been powered by R0cket Fu3l, advertised on Sonic and Fox! Either that or manly mourning."

"I better try that R0cket Fu3l," commented Ganondorf. He glanced at the dashboard TV.

"You just have to call 1-800-244-7226 to get a free tank of R0cket Fu3l!" cheered Fox on the screen.

"And next up is...Oh, looks like we have a caller!" He picked up the phone. "You've reached Sonic and Fox, now selling R0cket Fu3l! Would you like your FREE tank?"

"Yes!" cheered Ganondorf enthusiastically. "Send it to the rest stop on Smashville Highway."

 _Sonic and Fox, Pit and Jigglypuff, Snake and Toon Link_

 _Currently tied for 14th place_

"Your package is mailed, caller who sounds just like one of our fellow racers!" said Fox. "Now for a word from our sponsors!"

Sonic glared at him from inside the team car. "We don't have any sponsors and we never will if you don't GET IN THIS CAR!"

Fox picked up the camera and jumped into the car. "All right viewers, Sonic and Fox is going mobile! Look out for us on Distant Plant-err, Planet-and win $1,000,000!"

"You idiot, we're competing for one million dollars!" screamed Sonic, blinded with rage.

"Well, we'll just have to WIN, won't we?" retorted Fox.

Sonic was blinded with rage.

 _Snake and Toon Link, Pit and Jigglypuff_

 _Currently tied for 15th place_

"MUHMUHMUH" Pit and Jigglypuff were kissing.

"AUGH THIS IS JUST LIKE THE SOUND MY DADS BUTT USED TO MAKE" screamed the eighty-fourth cousins in agony.

Looks like they're not going anywhere anytime soon.

 _Yoshi and Kirby_

 _Currently in 11th place_

"Wow, another team!" said Kirby, zooming past Nana and Pikachu.

Yoshi looked back. "It's...THE CUTES-MANLIEST KID IN DAY CARE!" He jumped out the back window onto the slave traders' car.

 _Yoshi and Nana and Pikachu_

 _Currently in 11th place_

"No-it can't be...it's-" Pikachu was cut off by Yoshi.

"COME TO ME CUTE KID!" he screamed, foaming at the mouth. "WHO'S THE CUTEST KID IN DAYCARE? YOU ARE!"

Nana sighed. "I see your 'infiltrate the daycare to enslave kids' plan didn't work very well."

"Hey, I can't help being cute!" defended Pikachu, swerving across the road. "GET OFF MY WINDSHIELD!" he screeched.

"CUUUUTE KID!" yelled Yoshi, turning into Godzilla.

 _Marth and Ganondorf_

 _Currently in 12th place_

"Okay, step 1 is open the gas tank," read Ganondorf. "Step 2: Pour the R0cket Fu3l." He opened and poured.

Marth interrupted. "Wait, my calculations show it must have been manly mourning that powered the car, not R0cket Fu3l! That means-" Marth fell asleep.

"Aw, why did his narcolepsy have to kick in now!" cried Ganondorf. "Oh well, what's step 3? It says 'Wait'."

Ganondorf waited.

Falco drove by completely normally.

Ganondorf waited.

Sonic drove by blinded with rage.

Ganondorf waited.

The car exploded.

Ganondorf waited.

 _Peach and Lucario_

 _Currently in last place_

Peach was driving. "So, would you like to hear about our weddin-"

Lucario interrupted. "Yes, I want to know all about our wetting the bed!"

Peach glared at him. "The time when we started our lifelong union!"

"You mean when we organized a labor union!" screamed Lucario, holding up hastily made union protest signs.

"I can divorce you-"

"THERES NO LEAVING THE UNION" foamed Lucario.

"But I have divorce papers right h-"

"THERES NO LEAVING THE UNION" foamed Lucario.

 _Kirby_

 _Currently in 10th place_

"So Yoshi, have you gotten over the ki-hey, where's Yoshi?" Kirby looked all over the car. "Are you in the glove compartment, Yoshi? How about the cupholder? Maybe the trunk?"

The car flew off the cliff that Ike and King Dedede had fallen off.

"Are you on the roof, Yoshi?" Kirby was on the roof.

The car had been going so fast that it flew over the forest and landed at the airport.

"How about the gas tank?"

 _Yoshi and Nana and Pikachu_

 _Currently in 11th place_

"YOSHIZILLA SMASH!" screeched Yoshi as he pounded the car into dust.

"Ok I agree daycare infiltration was a bad plan!" squealed Pikachu, narrowly dodging Yoshi's flying fists.

"How are we going to get out of here?" cried Nana.

A car drove up completely normally. "Need a ride, guys?" grinned Falco.

Nana and Pikachu quickly jumped into the car, which drove away completely normally.

 _Sonic and Fox_

 _Currently in 13th place_

"Next up on Sonic and Fox, Giant Monster Repellant! I will spray it all over myself, and no giant monsters will attack!" Fox sprayed himself.

Sonic drove blindly in rage.

"Observe! No monsters are attacking!"

Yoshi started chasing them.

 _R.O.B. and Bowser_

 _Currently in 17th place_

R.O.B. was solving a Rubik's Cube as he drove. "See, this is a perfect demonstration of why we're popular weirdos."

"I, however, am a weirdo, because of my large rainbow butt," grumbled Bowser as he stuck it out the window.

 _Pit and Jigglypuff, Snake and Toon Link_

 _Currently tied for 15th place_

"Okay, Snake, on the count of three we run to the car," whispered Toon Link.

"One...two...three!"

Snake was knocked out by Bowser's rainbow butt.

"AUGH THE MEMORIES" cried Toon Link as he crashed through the team car's window.

 _Olimar and Falco, Nana and Pikachu_

 _Currently tied for 11th place_

"Look, the airport is right ahead!" pointed Falco.

"No, you fool, that's the Museum of Aviation," argued Nana.

"Well, let's flip a coin," said Pikachu, handing them a Pokemon Trading Card Game coin.

"Heads!" cried Nana.

"Tails!" shouted Falco.

The coin landed on the Pokeball side.

"...Is that heads or tails?" asked Falco.

"Let's flip again," said Nana.

The car split down the divider between the two paths.

 _Nana and Olimar_

 _Currently in 10th place_

"Why didn't we get the half with the steering wheels?" screamed Nana as the right half of the car rolled slowly down the road.

"Why am I still alive?" queried Olimar suicidally.

"Man up, man!" encouraged Nana. "If I-I mean, _you_ -win this, your problems will vanish!"

Olimar sat up straighter. "Do you mean it? Will I really be happier?"

"Of course! In fact, your good luck begins right now," Nana said as she pointed at the airport coming into view.

 _Kirby_

 _Currently in 9th place_

"Are you in the transmission, Yoshi?"

Nana and Olimar ran by.

Kirby ran after them. "Hey, have you seen Yoshi?" he asked.

"He's in the middle of the highway," yelled Nana backwards.

 _Nana and Olimar_

 _Currently in 9th place_

"Four tickets for the next flight, please!" asked Olimar.

 _Nana and Pikachu_

 _4th on 10:30 A.M. Flight_

 _Olimar and Falco_

 _5th on 10:30 A.M. Flight_

"Let's go find our teammates!" cheered Olimar optimistically.

 _Peach and Lucario_

 _Currently in last place_

"Come on, Lucario, remember our wedding had a big rainst-"

"Our BED WETTING had BIG RAINBOW BUTTS involved, right Peach?" grinned Lucario, hastily coloring his butt.

 _Snake and Toon Link, Pit and Jigglypuff_

 _Currently tied for 16th place_

"Come on, Snake," whispered Toon Link from the car.

Snake was crawling toward the car at a yard per year.

"...BIG RAINBOW BUTTS..." Lucario said from a mile behind.

"AUGH I MUST ESCAPE" screamed Snake, bounding into the car, now moving at 400mph.

 _Pit and Jigglypuff_

 _Currently in 17th place_

Peach and Lucario drove by, arguing intensely.

Pit and Jigglypuff broke their marathon kiss and grinned at each other. "Let's show them what we're really made of!" Pit said, firing up the car.

They took off at inhuman speed, quickly passing Peach and Lucario.

 _R.O.B. and Bowser_

 _Currently in 15th place_

"Do I have to hang out the window?" grimaced Bowser.

"Do you want to not crash?" retorted R.O.B.

"Good point," acquiesed Bowser.

"DESTROY ALL BUTTS" screamed Snake, driving maniacally.

He slashed off Bowser's large rainbow butt.

 _Snake and Toon Link_

 _Currently in 15th place_

"VENGEANCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed the eighty-fourth cousins.

 _Marth and Ganondorf_

 _Currently in 14th place_

Ganondorf waited.

"Ughh...what happened here?" Marth muttered, getting up. "And why has the car EXPLODED?!"

"We just need to wait long enough," explained Ganondorf as he climbed into the smoldering ruins of the car.

Marth mourned manlyly.

The car sped up to inhuman speed.

 _Sonic and Fox_

 _Currently in 13th place_

"Next up is a Godzilla Killer!" said Fox, panicked. "This better work..."

The silver bullet bounced off Yoshi's titanium skin.

"Quick, get to the airport, Sonic!" screamed Fox.

Sonic drove in blind rage to the Museum of Aviation.

 _Falco and Pikachu_

 _Currently in 11th place_

"How do you drive half a car?" screamed Falco, trying to get back to the split in the road.

Sonic and Fox drove by in the opposite direction, followed by Yoshi.

"PI-KA-CHUUUUUUUU!" Pikachu discharged his entire body voltage into the monster, shrinking it back to normal size.

"Ugh...where am I?" asked Yoshi. "Hey, can I ride with you?"

"Sure!" said Falco. "But, we're out of room, so you'll have to ride on the roof."

Yoshi climbed onto the roof. "Away we go!" he cried.

The car was moving at 2 miles per hour.

 _Kirby_

 _Currently in 10th place_

Kirby was standing in the highway. "Yoshi should be here!" he complained.

Marth and Ganondorf zoomed by.

Snake and Toon Link zoomed by.

"He'll be here!"

 _Marth and Ganondorf_

 _Currently in 10th place_

"I told you the R0cket Fu3l would work," grinned Ganondorf smugly.

Marth was foaming at the mouth.

 _Snake and Toon Link_

 _Currently in 11th place_

The cousins had the rainbow butt mounted on a stake in the middle of the car.

"Haha, did you hear the way it screamed?" grinned Snake, pouring gasoline over the butt for a sacrifice.

"I think that was Bowser, not this monstrosity..." said Toon Link, lighting the match.

"Don't be silly, rainbow butts are sentient creatures trying to take over the world!" countered Snake.

The car exploded.

 _Marth and Ganondorf_

 _Currently in 10th place_

"Two tickets to Distant Planet," requested Ganondorf.

 _Marth and Ganondorf  
Last on 10:30 A.M. Flight_

 _Peach and Lucario_

 _Currently in last place_

Peach had stopped the car in the middle of the highway. "I am not driving anymore until you acknowledge that we are a coupl-"

"You mean that, uhhh, our labor union took power in a coup, right?" interrupted Lucario angrily.

"WE ARE MARR-" Peach was cut off again.

"We are Mareeps, right? Fighting the oppression of the electricity-hungry government that is brutally abusing our power-"

Peach kicked Lucario out the window.

 _Falco and Pikachu and Yoshi_

 _Currently in 13th place_

"Say, haven't I seen you before?" Yoshi asked Pikachu quizzically.

"Nope, never!" replied Pikachu nervously.

"I swear you look just like-"

Falco interrupted, "Look, Yoshi, it's your teammate!" They had finally reached the fork in the road.

Kirby ran to them. "Yoshi, I thought you were in the gas tank!"

"I don't know where I was," he admitted. "But climb on, we're almost there!"

The car moved towards the airport at two miles per hour.

 _Sonic and Fox_

 _Currently in 14th place_

"Help, airport worker!" screamed Fox.

Sonic sighed, now cooled down from his blind rage. "That's a cashier, Fox."

"Ooh, I didn't know they sold stuff at the airport!" cheered Fox, knocking the cashier over and taking his place.

"Sonic and Fox, now broadcasting from the airport!" grinned Fox over the counter. "Our next product: Pikmin Baskets! Ever wanted to transport your minions without the risk of a Bulborb attack? Now, just stuff their poor, enslaved souls in this basket, and be on your way! Product not safety tested on Pikmin."

"Did you forget about the GODZILLA ATTACK!" yelled Sonic, dragging Fox out of the museum.

There was no Godzilla.

"Well, I guess I can go back in n-"

Sonic blindly raged towards the airport.

 _Wario and Captain Falcon_

 _Asylum Escapees_

"Hey, Ganondorf," whispered Wario, "What do you think about an alliance?"

"No way, I've got enough crazy on my team," he said, gesturing at Marth, who was frying eggs on his stomach.

"ARE YOU SURE" rumbled Wario. "I AM A WORTHWHILE PARTNER"

"You couldn't pay me," said Ganondorf, eating the eggs off Marth's stomach.

Wario made a hand motion. "You leave me no choice."

Captain Falcon crashed through the window. "FALCON ANNIHILATE" he yelled, pinning Ganondorf to the wall.

"OK, I'll join you!" screeched Ganondorf hoarsely.

 _R.O.B. and Bowser_

 _Currently in 17th place_

"This is terrible," Bowser said to the camera. "Pit and Jigglypuff passed us, it's the middle of the night, and I have a giant bleeding hole where my butt used to be!"

R.O.B. drove in silence.

"Encourage me, dude," said Bowser desperately.

R.O.B. drove in silence.

Bowser bled to death.

 _Pit and Jigglypuff_

 _Currently in 16th place_

"We'll never make it!" despaired Jigglypuff.

"Fear not," said Pit. "I have a plan!"

"We're driving off a cliff!" protested Jigglypuff.

Pit slammed down on the accelerator.

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo-what's going on?"

Pit was flying and carrying the car.

"But Pit, you can only fly for 15 secon-"

They dropped into the forest.

 _End flashback_

 _Ike and King Dedede_

 _Currently in 15th place_

"Well, I guess we'll never know," finished King Dedede.

Pit and Jigglypuff fell on them.

 _Kirby and Falco and Pikachu and Yoshi_

 _Currently in 12th place_

"I swear I've seen you before," insisted Yoshi.

Pikachu fidgeted nervously. "Um-well, I-"

Falco interrupted. "Look a phantom tollboooth!"

"There isn't anything," said Yoshi.

"Well, it's PHANTOM, Yoshi. That means you can't see it."

"But how did YOU see it?"

"Well-maybe-Idunno-could-"

A tollbooth materialized next to them.

"Pay up!" said Snake from inside the tollbooth.

"I only have three dollars!" said Falco. "Can't you let me through?"

"Our toll is in rainbow butts," informed Snake, holding up a lighter.

"Is this for real?" insisted Falco angrily.

Snake grinned at him. "You're real, I'm probably real, the car is real, what else do you want?"

"Look, I can't pay! Just let me through," pleaded Falco.

"No shirt, no shoes, no service," responded Snake enigmatically.

"I give up!" Falco screamed, slamming the gas.

"You'll never break out," said Snake.

They drove through the arm easily.

"Curses!" screamed Snake.

 _Snake and Toon Link_

 _Currently in 13th place_

"We need a new plan," said Snake urgently.

"I think we should probably move on in the race!" said Toon Link, waving around the race instructions.

"One more, boy, one more," insisted Snake.

Toon Link pointed to the pile of charred rainbow butts. "That's what you said the other 50 times!"

"This time I promise," promised Snake.

"That's what you said the last 49 times."

Snake made puppy-dog eyes.

"Oh, fine."

 _Sonic and Fox_

 _Currently in 14th place_

Sonic stopped at the tollbooth in newfound blind rage.

"Now, a redux product! If anyone missed out on this lifelike baboon costume earlier, it's now on sale again. Only slightly wrinkled," Fox advertised.

Snake came out to take the toll. "Only three rainbow but-GIVE THAT TO ME!" He grabbed the costume.

"Hey, you better pay for that!" Fox yelled, pulling on the costume.

"GIVE ME!"

"PAY UP!"

Snake was pulled into the car.

"Floor it, Sonic!" Fox said.

Sonic floored it in blind rage.

 _Pit and Jigglypuff, Ike and King Dedede_

 _Currently tied for 15th place_

"DRIIIIIIIIIIIIVIN" sang King Dedede, running over Pit and Jigglypuff.

 _Kirby and Falco and Pikachu and Yoshi_

 _Currently in 12th place_

"Look, the airport!" cheered Falco.

They parked and ran in.

"Pikachu, get over here!" screamed Nana, drunk on the wine from the airport restaurant.

Pikachu obligingly went over. "Where have you been?!" he screamed. "Couldn't you have come and picked us up?"

Nana stared unsteadily at him. "But thish wine wash sho good!" she slurred.

"Did you at least get us tickets!?"

"Yesh, I put them shomewhere around here..." She looked around.

Yoshi leaned over. "Hey, two tickets!"

 _Kirby and Yoshi_

 _Now on 10:30 A.M. flight_

 _Nana and Pikachu_

 _No longer on 10:30 A.M. Flight_

Olimar waved down Falco. "I feel like a new man!" he exclaimed joyously.

Falco grinned. "Good to see you're in the proper mindset."

"We are going to ROCK this race," Olimar said.

 _Nana and Pikachu_

 _Slave Traders_

"Two ticketsh, pleashe," slurred Nana.

 _Nana and Pikachu_

 _1st on 11:00 A.M. Flight_

 _Snake and Sonic and Fox_

 _Currently in 13th place_

The car was parked outside the airport.

"This guy is crazy!" yelled Fox, trying to keep a hold on the costume.

"I'm not crazy, just PASSIONATE!" insisted Snake, tightening his hold on the baboon suit.

"Give up, Fox," sighed Sonic.

"You've betrayed me!" screamed Fox, surprised enough to let go of the costume.

"DESTROYYYYYY" yelled Snake, setting the costume on fire.

The car exploded.

 _Peach and Lucario_

 _Currently in last place_

"If you deny this again, I am pushing you off this cliff," warned Peach. "WE. ARE-"

Lucario cut in. "In last place, so you better drive, _acquaintance_."

Peach pushed him off the cliff.

 _R.O.B. and Bowser_

 _Currently in 15th place_

"Hey, I didn't know there was a toll," said R.O.B., pointing at the tollbooth. "Get me a few of our quarters, Bowser."

Bowser was dead.

"Hello, three rainbow butts, please," said Toon Link nervously.

R.O.B. smiled warmly. "You're just a kid, aren't you?"

Toon Link nodded.

"You shouldn't be locked up here! Go on, have some fun. The world is your oyster!" R.O.B. encouraged.

"But I-um-" Toon Link stuttered.

"I insist!" said R.O.B.

"I need three rainbow butts to let you through," Toon Link spit out.

"You don't need three rainbow butts," R.O.B. said.

"I don't need three rainbow butts," Toon Link said oddly.

"I'm not the droid you're looking for," R.O.B. said, waving his hand.

"You're not the droid I'm looking for," Toon Link agreed.

"You should go explore the world."

"I should go explore the world."

R.O.B. drove through. "Now that's what I call a Jedi mind trick!" he grinned.

Bowser was still dead.

 _Ike and King Dedede_

 _Currently in 16th place_

"DRIIIIIIVIN" screamed King Dedede.

"Keep it down, dude!" Ike asked. "I'm listening to music back here."

King Dedede chuckled. "Why didn't you just say so? Just let me listen too!"

"NO!" said Ike, protectively holding the laptop to himself.

King Dedede yanked the headphones out.

" _Baby, baby, baby, oh,_ " sang Justin Bieber out of the speakers.

"AUGH MAKE IT STOP MY PANCREAS IS BURNING" screamed King Dedede.

"Ike to the rescue!" cheered Ike. "This internet guy say that the solution to a burning pancreas is to amputate the pancreas."

"YOU CAN'T AMPUTATE AN INTERNAL ORGAN" screeched King Dedede.

"Don't worry! GREAT...AETHER!"

"AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHH!"

Ike surveyed his work. "Eh, he'll probably be okay."

Dedede's intestines were stuffed into his throat.

 _Sonic and Fox_

 _Currently in 13th place_

"That baboon costume was going to net us a boatload of money," grumbled Fox.

A moment of silence passed.

"You're not going to continue advertising?" asked Sonic in wonder.

Fox jumped up, surprised. "Thanks for reminding me! Next up, golden underwear!"

Sonic dragged Fox into the airport.

"Two tickets please," requested Sonic, brimming with rage.

 _Sonic and Fox_

 _2_ _nd_ _on 11:00 A.M. Flight_

"Would you like golden underwear?" Fox asked the cashier.

The employee punched him.

 _Toon Link_

Toon Link ran to the airport. "Snake, I think we should give up our grudge!" he said hopefully.

Snake shook his head. "No, boy, if we give up, the MONSTERS win!"

"But they're not alive..."

"SILENCE BOY" screamed Snake. "U NO THEIR LIVE"

"But-"

"U NO THEIR LIVE"

"Well, w-"

"U NO THEIR LIVE"

Toon Link sat on the curb.

"U NO THEIR LIVE U NO THEIR LIVE"

 _Ike and King Dedede_

 _Currently in 16th place_

"My pancreas will never be the same..." grumbled Dedede.

"Stop being such a baby!" said Ike. "We're strongmen, even though that's never been mentioned outside our interview!"

"You weren't so strong back when we were watching _Titanic_ ," commented King Dedede with a grin.

"Oh, you're just angry that I ruined your sousaphone," glared Ike.

"It was a high quality antique!" King Dedede countered.

"Well YO MOMMA'S a high quality antique!" insulted Ike.

"WHY YOU $# ##$ #&$^ ^#%&!" swore King Dedede, lunging into the back of the car.

The car crashed out of the forest and into the side of the airport.

 _R.O.B. and Bowser_

 _Currently in 14h place_

"Two tickets, _s'il vous plait_ ," charmed R.O.B.

"You're so handsome!" cooed the airport worker.

R.O.B. was inflating a Whoopee Cushion. "Uh, what were you saying?"

The employee stared at him. "GET OUT OF HERE!" she screamed.

"But what about our tickets?" asked the robot.

"GET OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUT!"

R.O.B. and Bowser were blown through the airport wall.

 _Snake and Toon Link_

 _Currently in 16th place_

Toon Link was bashing Snake over the head with the flat edge of his sword. "SHUT UP AND GET IN THE AIRPORT!"

Snake smiled. "Well, why didn't you just say so?"

Toon Link kicked him into the airport.

"You didn't answer my question!" protested Snake.

Toon Link kicked him into Mario's head.

"Only a hero could kick that hard!" Mario hero-boomed. "Say, boy, would you like to be in an alliance?"

"We won't be on the same flight..." Toon Link reminded him.

"Heroes have to stick together!" said Mario, his face leaking heroism.

"I thought heroes march to the beat of their own drummer," Mr. Game and Watch snipped.

Mario hero-laughed pityingly at him. "Only heroes can understand."

Toon Link's eyes lit up. "I understand perfectly! Does that mean I'm a hero?"

Mario grinned heroically. "Of course!"

Toon Link got tickets heroically. "It works!" he rejoiced.

 _Snake and Toon Link_

 _3_ _rd_ _on 11:00 A.M. Flight_

"If-a only it would-a work for-a me..." mourned Dr. Mario.

"SHUT UP U DON'T EXIST IN BRAWL" screamed the entire cast.

 _Ike and King Dedede, R.O.B. and Bowser_

 _Currently tied for 15th place_

"I wish I weren't a weirdo," R.O.B. thought out loud.

"Can't help you there," said Ike, hacking video games on his laptop.

"My sousaphone!" mourned King Dedede.

Bowser was still dead.

 _I'll have to fix myself,_ thought R.O.B.

A training montage ensued during which no time elapsed.

"Wow, that fits perfect in my karate themed homebrew game, _The Chops_!" Ike noted.

R.O.B. stepped up to the ticket desk cautiously. "Two tickets, please?" he asked.

The employee handed him the tickets.

"Woohoo!" rejoiced R.O.B., doing the victory pose from Super Mario 64.

 _R.O.B. and Bowser_

 _4th on 11:00 A.M. Flight_

 _Ike and King Dedede_

 _Currently in 16th place_

"We were in third place!" screamed King Dedede, beating the ground.

"Shut up or I'll get to work on your pancreas again," warned Ike.

King Dedede stood up. "I don't care!" he yelled, beating his chest. "You don't care about this race, only your video games," he accused. "I won't take it! If you care about this, you'll get it the airport and order these tickets!"

Ike carved out his pancreas.

 _Pit and Jigglypuff_

 _Currently in 17th place_

"There's no civilization for miles..." Jigglypuff said.

Pit smiled mournfully. "At least I still have you."

They started kissing again.

 _Peach and Lucario_

 _Currently in last place_

"Haha, I bet you're having fun down there, honey!" taunted Peach from atop the cliff.

Lucario was being ripped to pieces by wolves. "Yes, I am eating honey!" he yelled upwards.

"Now that you can't stop me, I have something to say to the camera," Peach said. "WE. ARE. M-"

"MOBLINS!" yelled Lucario, now being roasted on a spit by Moblins.

" _Married_ ," Peach said venomously.

A light shone out of Lucario's chest. He glowed with unearthly power before flying up into the air. "YOU $%!%^ ^$& ^!#%" he screamed torturously.

"My work is done," grinned Peach, wiping the dust off her hands and sitting down to watch the show.

Lucario continued to spin in the air, bits of his body shredding away. "I always knew you were a trickster, girl..." he spit out between screams.

"You sure didn't act like it!" giggled Peach. "You would have been better off with a broken heart, mortal!"

 _Producer's Room_

The host looked around confusedly. "Did you change the channel?" he asked.

The producer was just as befuddled. "Did you plan this?" he asked suspiciously.

"Don't blame me! I'm just as confused as you. Just lie back and watch the action unfold!" cheered the host.

"HIS BODY IS SHREDDING TO BITS!" screamed the producer.

"All part o' the show," comforted the host.

 _Peach and Lucario_

 _Married_

"Devil! Trickster!" Lucario screamed.

"You humans never read the fine print," taunted Peach.

Lucario's vocal cords were mangled beyond recognition.

"You knew this would happen!" jeered Peach.

He had disappeared.

 _Producer's Room_

"He's dead!" the producer exclaimed, feeling faint.

The host had other things on his mind. "Quick, helicopter in another teammate!"

 _Peach_

A capsule fell from the sky near Peach. She read the note.

 _Good show, girl! Here's a new teammate; try not to destroy him, no matter how entertaining it was the first time._

 _The Host_

She grinned. This would be fun.

 _Pit and Jigglypuff_

 _Currently in 17th place_

They walked through the forest kissing.

"MUHMUHMUH"

 _Ike and King Dedede_

 _Currently in 16th place_

" _The Chops_ is done!" cheered Ike, uploading it to the internet.

King Dedede was missing a pancreas.

"Well, Prince Dede, whaddaya say we get ourselves some tickets?" asked Ike.

King Dedede was dying.

Ike got tickets. "Will these wake you up?"

King Dedede was dead.

 _Ike and King Dedede_

 _5th on 11:00 A.M. Flight_

 _Peach and Mewtwo_

 _Currently in last place_

"Where am I?" asked Mewtwo, coming out of the capsule. "And why do you look like a demon?"

Peach quickly shifted back to human form. "Just a trick of the light, silly!" she giggled.

"But you looked just like a demon!" protested Mewtwo. "And where am I?"

"Just get in the car!" ordered Peach.

Mewtwo turned away. "Not until you tell me what's going on," he responded stubbornly.

Peach smiled evilly. " _You're coming with me_ ," she whispered.

Mewtwo was teleported into the car, which started speeding down the road.

"WHAT'S GOING ON!" screamed Mewtwo, trying to get a grip on the seat.

"You'll see," said Peach enigmatically.

Mewtwo's head was collapsing due to G-forces.

 _Pit and Jigglypuff_

 _Currently in 17th place_

"Shouldn't we have driven instead of walking?" asked Jigglypuff.

Pit looked at her strangely. "But then we couldn't kiss!"

"We're not kissing right now," pointed out Jigglypuff.

"We're not at the airport either," pointed out Pit angrily.

"Because we're not in a car!" Jigglypuff screamed.

"Or maybe because we're not kissing," suggested Pit condescendingly.

Jigglypuff ripped off her engagement ring. "This relationship is over!"

"Does that mean we don't get to kiss anymore?"

Jigglypuff punched him.

 _Peach and Mewtwo_

 _Currently in last place_

Mewtwo glared at Peach. "Whatever you are, I hate you."

"But honey, I thought you loved me!" Peach protested.

"I don't even know who you are, or who I am!" screamed Mewtwo amnesiacally.

"Oh look, the airport!" said Peach, changing the subject.

"Do I get to throw you out of an airplane?" grumbled Mewtwo.

 _Pit and Jigglypuff_

 _Currently in last place_

"But I love you, honey!" wailed Pit, running through the forest.

"Prove it," said Jigglypuff smugly.

Pit thought for a minute. "I've got it! I'll write a song for you."

"Well, you better do it on the plane," said Jigglypuff, running out of the forest and toward the airport.

 _Peach and Mewtwo_

 _Currently in 17th place_

"I'm not getting out of this car!" Mewtwo said stubbornly.

"You have to!" Peach begged, slightly desperate. "Staying will-um-hurt you!"

"I'll bring you down with me," Mewtwo said quietly.

 _Producer's Room_

"Is she going to kill him too?" wondered the host excitedly.

The producer jumped up angrily. "You've gone too far this time!" he yelled.

"It's not like there's anything you can do about it," said the host.

The producer jumped into a helicopter. "To the airport!"

 _Peach and Mewtwo_

 _Freaks of Nature_

"Prepare to die..." muttered Peach, brandishing a knife.

The producer parachuted in. "Not on my watch!"

Peach stabbed the producer.

"I...can still...beat you..." the producer gasped.

He died.

"Now you're all mine!" screamed Peach maniacally.

 _Producer's Room_

"I never realized how much I like blood!" noted the host.

 _Pit and Jigglypuff_

 _Currently in 17th place_

"Two tickets to Distant Planet," requested Jigglypuff.

 _Pit and Jigglypuff_

 _Last on 11:00 A.M. Flight_

A message came over the speakers. "All security guards, to the parking lot. All security guards, to the parking lot."

Pit's eyes lit up. "I used to be a security guard!" He ran outside with the flood of uniformed officers.

 _Peach and Mewtwo_

 _Currently in last place_

Mewtwo was bleeding out of every part of his body. "HELP ME!" he screamed.

The flood of officers appeared on the scene.

Peach turned to face them angrily. "No one gets in my way!" She sent a wave of dark energy at them, mowing almost all of them down.

Pit was the only one still standing. "Your dark pulses can't hurt me!" he declared triumphantly.

He shot a holy arrow at her.

"You accursed angel!" she screamed, dissolving into smoke.

 _Producer's Room_

"WHY NO BLOOD" screamed the host angrily.

 _Mewtwo_

Pit ran over to the Psychic Pokemon. "I can use my healing magic to save you!" he said, focusing on the wounds.

"It's not working!" screamed Mewtwo painfully.

"These dark wounds require THE POWAR OF LOVE to heal!" Pit observed.

Jigglypuff came out of the airport and dashed to them. "I can supply that!" she said sappily.

THE POWAR OF LOVE healed Mewtwo.

"I feel good as new!" said Mewtwo happily.

"But you still need a teammate," reminded Pit.

The host spoke through a hidden microphone. "THERE WASNT BLOOD SO NO TEAMMATE FOR U"

"What teammate?" Mewtwo asked confusedly.

Pit filled him in on the race.

"But I have amnesia!" Mewtwo reminded. "I don't know anyone to be my teammate."

Jigglypuff used Fake Tears!

Mewtwo's Special Defense fell sharply!

"I remember everything now!" Mewtwo realized. "I know exactly who my teammate should be." He sent a telepathic message.

Deoxys appeared. "Mewtwo!" she exclaimed.

They kissed romantically.

"See, I told you love will find a way," Pit said to Jigglypuff.

She looked at him confusedly. "No, you didn't."

"Well, now I did."

Mewtwo and Deoxys went into the airport. "Two tickets to-" he glanced down at the clue "Distant Planet, please."

The employee looked at him strangely. "We sold the last tickets to that angel guy."

"But there are supposed to be seats for everyone!" Mewtwo protested.

"Hey, I don't make the rules," the employee said. "But get out of the way, there are customers behind you!"

They walked to the boarding area. "What are we going to do?" asked Mewtwo.

They kissed despairingly.

 _Samus and Diddy Kong_

 _Ballet Dancers_

"But you said-"

"I don't care what I said!" Samus interrupted. "I was joking about the sweet pies!"

"Well, what did you mean?" asked Diddy Kong.

Samus looked around desperately. "I-um-meant we should give them to some sweethearts?" she said, pointing at Mewtwo and Deoxys.

"Why didn't you just say so?" Diddy Kong said, getting up to give them the tickets. "You guys look like you need some tickets!" he said to Mewtwo and Deoxys, handing them the tickets.

 _Sweet Pies_

 _No longer on 10:30 A.M. Flight_

 _Mewtwo and Deoxys_

 _Now on 10:30 A.M. Flight_

"How can we ever repay you?" asked Deoxys joyfully.

"Well, you could come eat these sweet pies with us!" said Diddy Kong, holding up two fresh apple pies.

The two teams sat down to eat the pies.

"What do you think about an alliance?" asked Samus.

"Anything to help you guys!" said Mewtwo gratefully.

 _Producer's Room_

"This is too sappy!" complained the host. "I need more comedy! More over the top death!"

He looked through his book of replacement producers.

"Hmm...clowns! Everybody loves clowns, right?" the host exclaimed. "Who have I got here...Kefka...Dimentio...Tingle...Dangit, why are all the clowns evil!"

He flipped through the book some more. "Aha! I know just who..."

 _Mewtwo and Deoxys_

 _High School Sweethearts_

"Aah! Mewtwo, why are there spiders in our interview!" Deoxys screamed.

The mysterious new producer laughed maniacally at them. "Because it's funny!"

"You're dropping spiders on my wife!" yelled Mewtwo.

"How was I supposed to know she was arachnophobic?" taunted the producer.

"GET THEM OFF ME" screamed Deoxys, melting.

"I _might_ have looked in her Facebook profile," said the cloaked producer innocently.

Deoxys had melted.

 _Producer's Room_

"Now THAT'S what I call funny!" laughed the host.

"Teams are now on one of three flights to Distant Planet!

The 10:00 A.M. flight contains Mario and Link, Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch, Donkey Kong and Zelda, Popo and Wolf, Luigi and Ness, and Wario and Captain Falcon.

The 10:30 A.M. flight contains Samus and Diddy Kong, Mewtwo and Deoxys, Meta Knight and Lucas, Olimar and Falco, Marth and Ganondorf, and Kirby and Yoshi.

The 11:00 A.M. flight contains Nana and Pikachu, Sonic and Fox, Snake and Toon Link, R.O.B. and Bowser, Ike and King Dedede, and Pit and Jigglypuff.

When the teams arrive, they will have to find the S.S. Dolphin for their next clue!"

 _Wario and Captain Falcon_

 _Currently in 1st place_

"WHERE ARE DA TAXIS" screamed Captain Falcon.

Wario was eating garlic. "This is DISTANT PLANET, idiot! There's no one here but us!"

There was a giant bustling airport behind them.

"I guess you're FALCON PAWNCH right," conceded Captain Falcon angrily.

 _Donkey Kong and Zelda_

 _Currently in 2nd place_

"Isn't this a beautiful planet?" asked Zelda as they ran past the arguing asylum escapees.

"Wow, you said something not related to me being a monkey!" said Donkey Kong in wonder. "Wait, I just said I was a monkey...APE! APE! APE!"

Donkey Kong died.

"Not me?" said Donkey Kong.

 _Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch_

 _Currently in 3rd place_

"Wait for us!" exclaimed Pokemon Trainer, running after Zelda and Donkey Kong.

"No, run away!" encouraged Mr. Game and Watch.

Pokemon Trainer stopped and turned around. "Are you a _saboteur_?" he accused.

"If anything, _you're_ a saboteur," said Mr. Game and Watch dryly.

"I'll prove I'm not!" resolved Pokemon Trainer. "The S.S. Dolphin is right over here!"

He walked into a chasm.

 _Popo and Wolf_

 _Currently in 4th place_

"This will be a cinch!" said Wolf. "I've played Pikmin five hundred times!"

"We're walking in circles," pointed out Popo.

"Well, that's what Pikmin do," countered Wolf.

"You're supposed to be Olimar, not a Pikmin!" screamed Popo.

"I don't know what version of the game _you_ were playing, but in my game you played as a Pikmin," Wolf said coolly.

"We're playing MY game now," Popo said angrily.

"But I got my game from Greil Games Inc., the most reliable piraters ever!" Wolf said, showing Popo the laptop.

"They make hacks, you idiot!" screamed Popo, bashing the laptop.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 _Mario and Link_

 _Currently in 5th place_

"Those security guards are way too serious," grumbled Mario heroically.

"Yeah, swords are completely normal things to be carrying on a plane," Link concurred with heroism.

They walked toward the S.S. Dolphin.

"Wait!" Mario heroed. "Shouldn't we be waiting for our hero friend?"

Link shook his herohead. "Heroes march to the beat of their own drummer," he reminded.

"But heroes have to stick together!" argued Mario heroically.

Link had already left for the Dolphin.

 _Luigi and Ness_

 _Currently in 6th place_

"These forest noises are so soothing..." Luigi whispered, strolling.

Emperor Bulblax jumped out from behind the trees.

"AUGH WHAT IS IT" Luigi screamed, jumping into his own arms.

Bulblax gave them a souvenir hot dog before jumping away.

"I have hotdogphobia!" screamed Ness, cartwheeling into a chasm.

The hot dog was completely harmless.

 _Wario and Captain Falcon_

 _Currently in 2nd place_

"CANT TOUCH THIS" screamed Captain Falcon, digging a trench with his toenails.

"And this little garlic went wee wee wee all the way home!" finished Wario.

 _Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch_

 _Currently in 3rd place_

"I promise I know where the ship is!" insisted Pokemon Trainer.

"You also promised that an alliance with those shuffleboarders would lead to a long and fruitful relationship!" said Mr. Game and Watch angrily.

"Well, how was I supposed to know they were backstabbing traitors?"

"You could have looked at their name badges that said 'Backstabbing Traitor'," said Mr. Game and Watch.

Pokemon Trainer had fallen into another chasm.

 _Popo and Wolf_

 _Currently in 4th place_

"But Sonic and Fox advertised Greil Games as clean ROM's!" protested Wolf.

"Only an idiot would buy from them!" Popo yelled. "You're not living up to the 'Genius' part of our team name."

"Well, they're just astonishingly good advertisers!" sniffed Wolf.

 _Sonic and Fox_

 _Telemarketers_

"That's right, you can have the chairs we're sitting in right now!" Fox cheered.

"No you can't," Sonic said, playing _The Chops_.

 _Zelda and Donkey Kong_

 _Currently in 1st place_

"Wait, weren't we in an alliance with someone?" remembered Donkey Kong.

"No, it was just a trick to get their documents!" Zelda said, holding up the passports.

"We should still help them," reflected Donkey Kong, turning around.

"But the ship is right there!" protested Zelda.

"You're coming with me!" Donkey Kong said firmly.

Wario and Captain Falcon went by in the other direction. "SON OF A SUBMARINER" yelled Captain Falcon.

 _Luigi and Ness_

 _Currently in 6th place_

Luigi had finally gotten back up. "These enviromental noises work wonders!" he exclaimed, dragging Ness out of the chasm.

"I agree," whispered Ness.

They walked incident-free towards the Dolphin.

 _Wario and Captain Falcon_

 _Currently in 1st place_

Wario opened the clue. "Detour: Garlic or Garlic!" he exclaimed.

"I THONK THAT YOU READ IT WRONG" rumbled Captain Falcon. "It says 'Detour:FALCON PUNCH or FALCOOOOOOOOOOOON PAWWWWNCH!"

"Detour!" said the host, in front of an obviously green-screened Pikmin colony. "A detour is a choice between two tasks! In this detour, teams must choose choose whether they want to be a Pikmin or a captain.

In Engine, teams must suit up in these high quality Pikmin costumes and locate a replica of the famous Main Engine! They will have to bring it back to the Dolphin to receive their next clue.

In Engineer, teams must take the thirty ship parts and frame given to them and construct a Hocotate delivery ship! Also, we totally aren't using teams as free labor. Really."

"I AM UNO EXPERT AT ShIpS" said Captain Falcon.

"Let's do Engineer," agreed Wario.

 _Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch_

 _Currently in 3rd place_

"I told you they weren't backstabbing traitors!" said Pokemon Trainer as Donkey Kong dragged Zelda towards them.

"They've got a trick up their sleeves," said Mr. Game and Watch suspiciously.

"We're here to help!" said Donkey Kong, running towards them.

Donkey Kong rammed them into a chasm.

"TRAITooorrrssss," screamed Mr. Game and Watch.

Donkey Kong stared down the chasm in shock. "Help them, Zelda!" he exclaimed.

"Stupid monkey..." muttered Zelda.

"APE! APE! APE!"

Zelda was wearing fistproof armor.

"APE! APE! APE!"

Donkey Kong fainted from lack of energy.

"Now we can get moving," muttered Zelda, dragging him back to the clues.

 _Popo and Wolf_

 _Currently in 4th place_

"You killed my laptop!" said Wolf angrily.

"Well, at least we're going places now," Popo said, pointing to Zelda up ahead of them.

" _Going Places_ was my favorite Greil Game!" wailed Wolf.

"Get out of your video games and experience the world!" ordered Popo.

"But we're video game characters..." pointed out Wolf.

"...Dangit, you're right," realized Popo.

"So can I have my laptop repaired?" asked Wolf hopefully.

Popo punched him.

 _Link_

"Mario better show up soon," grumbled Link heroically, standing just around the corner from the airport. "He needs to be taught what a hero is!"

 _Mario_

Mario stood stubbornly at the airport exit. "Link knows nothing about being a hero," he heroed to himself.

 _Luigi and Ness_

 _Currently in 5th place_

"Look, a team..." said Ness quietly, pointing to Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch.

"We need allies, right?" asked Luigi rhetorically.

"But we can't just ask them...what if they say no..." Ness whispered.

"I can pick up the courage," Luigi said with confidence.

They walked up to the People with Long Names.

"Hi!" said Pokemon Trainer.

"AUGH MY SKIN EVAPORATES" screamed Luigi, cartwheeling in place.

"Guess he's pretty _thin-skinned_ , eh, Mr. Game and Watch," quipped Pokemon Trainer.

Ness shook with fear. "Would-y-y-you like to..." he fainted.

"Aw, I hope he didn't have any important information!" exclaimed Pokemon Trainer, kicking the body out of his way.

"Just get moving," grumbled Mr. Game and Watch.

 _Popo and Wolf_

 _Currently in 3rd place_

"YOURE TOO SLOW" taunted Wolf in a Sonic costume as they ran past Zelda and Donkey Kong.

"And here are the clues!" said Popo happily. "Detour: Engine or Engineer."

"YOURE TOO SLOW"

"Engine it is, then..." Popo said.

 _Wario and Captain Falcon_

 _Asylum Escapees_

"This part goes he-FALCON PUNCH!" He destroyed the entire set of ship parts.

"We're losing so much money on this..." said the Hocotate employee poorly disguised as a Pikmin.

 _Zelda and Donkey Kong_

 _Currently in 3rd place_

"Detour: Engine or Engineer," read Zelda. "DK, which one do you think the annoyi-I mean, _our allies_ , will pick?"

Donkey Kong reflected on it. "THIS MIRROR IS BRIGHT" he said.

"...We're doing Engineer."

 _Luigi and Ness_

 _Currently in 5th place_

"I think we're almost there," said Ness.

 _Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch_

 _Currently in 4th place_

"Detour: Engine or Engineer," read Mr. Game and Watch.

"I think we should do Engineer!" said Pokemon Trainer. "Our allies are there!"

"...I'm 2D, I can't pick stuff up," said Mr. Game and Watch slowly.

"Well, how are you holding the clue?" asked Pokemon Trainer. "And how were you driving earlier? And how did you hold the airplane tickets? And-"

"Fine, we'll do Engineer," conceded Mr. Game and Watch.

 _Luigi and Ness_

 _Currently in 5th place_

"When will they get out of the way?" asked Luigi softly.

"We should ask them to move..." Ness said.

Luigi stared at him. "You said that we shouldn't ask them earlier."

"I can pick up the courage," Ness said confidently.

They approached the People with Long Names for the second time.

"Could y-y-ou...please mo-" Ness fainted.

"Aw, what was he going to say?" moaned Pokemon Trainer. "Could you please...mole? Monty? Mont Blanc? Mobilize?"

"Shut up and get over here," said Mr. Game and Watch, pointing at Zelda's halfway done ship.

"Fine..."

Luigi took a clue. "It worked!" he said happily. "Detour: Engine or Engineer...I think Engine would give us more soothing forest noises."

He and Ness walked into the forest.

 _Popo and Wolf_

 _Evil Geniuses_

"Wow, for once your stupid costume actually helped, Wolf!" said Popo, dragging the engine behind him.

"YOURE TOO SLOW"

 _Zelda and Donkey Kong_

 _Shuffleboard Rivals_

"Why did they pick the same Detour as us?" grumbled Zelda, installing the Interstellar Radio.

"Well, they do seem to feel some sort of attraction to us," pointed out Donkey Kong, wearing the UV Lamp as a hat.

"It could be because you gave them half of your powerful magnet collection," Zelda said.

The powerful magnets ripped out of Pokemon Trainer's pocket and started ripping through Donkey Kong's skin.

Donkey Kong grinned. "Don't worry, I'm pretty thick skinned!"

"I'm more concerned with why you store your magnets inside your body," deadpanned Zelda.

The magnets ripped into Donkey Kong's stomach.

 _Pokemon Trainer and Mr. Game and Watch_

 _People with Long Names_

"My magnets!" wailed Pokemon Trainer.

"Quick, go rip his pancreas out!" said Mr. Game and Watch urgently.

"Can I-"

"Yes, you can get the magnets back."

Pokemon Trainer walked to the shuffleboarders' work area. "Hi!" he said, surreptitiously reaching into Donkey Kong's torso.

"No, we're not allies," Zelda said, not even looking away from the ship.

"Well, uh, that's good, right...Gotta go, bye!" He ran off with his prize.

Mr. Game and Watch stared in surprise. "You actually suceeded?"

Pokemon Trainer grinned. "Yep, here are the magnets!"

"...And the pancreas?"

"What pancreas?"

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

 _Wario and Captain Falcon_

 _Asylum Escapees_

"I've had a vision!" exclaimed Wario. "We must build this ship with garlic!"

"FALCON PAWWWWNCH!" The parts were destroyed again.

"Garlic powers, activate!" exclaimed Wario.

The ship built itself out of the destroyed pieces.

"Wow, could you do that for all these other destroyed parts?" asked the employee.

Wario repaired the other 84 ships.

"And here's your clue!" said the employee joyfully.

Captain Falcon took the clue. "Make your FALCON PUNCH way by ATV to the FALCON PUNCH Forest Navel."

"Teams must now make their way on race provided ATV's to the Forest Navel," said the host, watching _Friday the 13_ _th_ _._ "It is there that teams will receive their next clue."

 _Popo and Wolf_

 _Evil Geniuses_

"Come on, did you have to put on the Mr. Resetti costume right this second?" asked Popo as they approached the Dolphin.

"Now that's a good question! It reminds me of the time I starred in a hit TV show, and they said, 'YOU GOTTA WEAR THIS COSTUME', but I was _way_ too manly to wear a costume. And say, did I ever tell you about the time I took the manliness test, and they said-"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Popo, handing the engine to the employee.

"That is exactly what they said! That reminds me of when I was tested for ESP, and my grandfather said to me, 'Boy, you gotta follow your dreams'. Of course, this was back in the 1400's, and it was way more revolutionary then-"

Popo ripped the costume off.

Wolf blinked. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Get on the ATV, now," Popo said menacingly.

Wolf got on and they drove away.

 _Olimar and Falco_

 _Currently in 7th place_

"This place is just like I remember it!" said Olimar happily. "The S.S. Dolphin is right over he-"

The Dolphin wasn't there.

"They MOVED it!" shouted Olimar angrily.

"Maybe you just need to think about it more," suggested Falco.

"THEY MOVED MY SHIP" raged Olimar.

Falco tapped him on the shoulder nervously. "Shouldn't we go look for the ship now?"

"THEY MOVED MY SHIP"

 _Marth and Ganondorf_

 _Currently in 8th place_

"Ooh, I bet Olimar knows where he going!" said Ganondorf, directing the currently blind Marth towards the former deities.

"Good, because I sure don't!" quipped Marth.

"Hey Olimar..." said Ganondorf confidentially.

"THEY MOVED MY SHIP"

"Can't you get over it?" said Falco, exasperated.

"Shouldn't you guys know where to go?" asked Ganondorf confusedly.

"THEY MOVED MY SHIP"

"Yeah, that's about it," said Falco.

Marth walked off a cliff.

 _Samus and Diddy Kong, Mewtwo and Deoxys_

 _Currently tied for 9th place_

"These trees are just as enchanting to look at as you, Diddy," sighed Samus.

Diddy Kong looked at her strangely. "What are you talking about?"

"Um, I meant that these trees are just as enchanting to look at as P. Diddy!" Samus recovered.

"But I thought you said rap wasn't even music..." Diddy Kong said.

"Um, I-"

"Hey, let's break this up and just keep moving," cautioned Mewtwo.

"But Samus is being confusing!" protested Diddy Kong.

"And Diddy isn't being dense enough!" added Samus.

"We'll settle this later. Right now, we need to focus on the race," said Mewtwo.

"Fine..."

"YOU DIDNT SAY THERE WOULD BE SPIDERS" Deoxys melted.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** So there you go. On the off chance that anyone actually thinks this is worth continuing, I guess I might? Who knows.


End file.
